somehow

thought of you today again
and what you were feeling
if you were thinking of me at all
hating this limbo
but too afraid to ruin something so good

but later on it felt okay
just talking as we always do
making me smile and just
a little bit happier for today

somehow i'm going to make it
someday I'll come to peace
with all that we have
and not all that i want
because even having a little bit of you
is better than nothing at all

rain

every effort you make
to make me smile
hurts this heart a little bit more
sending this mind on a chase
in circles to decipher what this means
to me and to you

like rain on the desert
or water on a parched tongue
watching you is a relief
but always leaves something more to be desired

each step we take
in this unnamed dance
brings me closer
yet takes me farther
from the happiness i seek

hold

time slips away
and so do you
as i try desperately to hold on
to the little moments
we once had

still standing so far away
yet able to watch your face
and i wonder when the time comes
to actually let you go
how i'll survive

you're not the one who always
makes me laugh
but if only you knew
how you hold my attention
how your opinions mean
almost everything

i know it's not healthy
putting my emotions
into one basket that i've given to you
until i can move forward
and find someone new to give
please hold and keep it safe
for me

door

pitch black night sky
around the block i run
trying to clear my mind
looking for a reason
before i face the morning sun

and there you are
ever present
ever there as before
can't make you go away
but i don't want you to stay

always at nighttime
i feel strong, invincible
i can let you go
loosen the string on the kite
and let it fly far off

but there you are
ever present
ever there as before
wanting you to stay
so please don't walk out that door

knowing i have to let you go
unlock you and let you fly
to become the person i know you are
without me at your side

selfishlessness

when i think
about what this means to me
i know
i would rather see you happy
even without me
than sad and stressed
with me

i think i finally understand
to put someone else's
happiness
above my own
because isn't that what love is?

so many times
that old adage
"if you love them, let them go"
has truth
and i see it now
standing afar
yet walking closer
wanting to be part of
your happiness
even if it means
i have to search elsewhere for mine

walk

always on my mind
but i don't want you there
needing to walk away
from this
because not moving
would only torment me more

so how do i walk
away from this all
when there was nothing
there to begin with

should be easy
cut run let go
but i can't
at the same time
i need you still in my life
can't let you go

but let me walk away from
this emotion
return to the way it was
make me stop
push me to walk away
from it all

arms wide

always feel
like i have so much
love to give to everyone
if they would just ask
i would give more and more
as much as they wanted
as much as i could give

but i too want
to be given love in return
arms wide open
to catch someone
for someone to catch me

do anything for you
but would you do the same
would give you all my love
if only to be loved
in return

ask

not your fault
didn't ask to be
this person i watch for
never asked you to be the one
of my reality

i didn't ask you
didn't want you
to be the one i always
look for
when i'm looking around

somedays i wish
you would ask me
what i feel
and why i feel
and listen
and understand

but if you ask
i would tell you
i would give you the world
and yet i know
i can't ask you for the same

why do i

made the decision to let you go
push you away
and out of my mind
in that way

resolve always is stronger
in the nighttime
always thought
resilience was a skill of mine

but in the bright sunlight
or even the grey clouds of rain
during the daytime
out and about
anywhere

why do i
still look for you
in that way?

close

close my eyes
as the song wafts out of the speakers
i am enveloped
in the melody mix
of guitars, drums, pianos

lyrics haunting beautiful
truthful and emotional
vocals anthemic
crying out for someone to hear them
or me

can almost touch the music
swimming in a song
feeling it swirl and turn
all around me
but i can still breathe

music is everywhere
but only the ones that truly matter
remain with us
as witness and soundtrack
to our lives

step away

on the same side of the room
watching the pens
move across my page
and yours
just sitting still in silence

like the changes that have come before
this one too feels a wrench
unscrewing the thoughts in my mind
too early to tell if its a relief
or if its a burden

but i feel like i can breathe again
that there is light
at the end of this tunnel we travel
in the afternoon light i see
you're not for me

yet in the morning gray
i am unsure
do i let you go
like a scarf over the water in the wind
do i hold onto a memory of a feeling
like holding onto scent

i try to stand still
and think of you
in a different way
some days i think it works
but it's still a task of mine

Change

not a big fan of change
when my plans are set
have been set
mindset on a straight line path
going on and on

when the path wobbles
bends or forks
i cry
change is not often
a welcomed visitor

yet last night
i finally let change in
after weeks and days of knocking
knocking down the walls
of my mindset

crashing down
chasing out the fragments
of my shattered plans
tears building up
because change always moves me
without cause for sadness

still not a fan of change
but the morning after is here
and i sit happily with all
that change has brought me
looking down the new path
of this life i travel


and for the first time in a long time
i like what i see

steal my happiness

can't steal happiness
so they sing
sometimes i agree
at least i want to
because if they're right
then my happiness can't be stolen

yet sometimes it feels
like it can be
taken away on a whim
by you or anyone

a simple word
careless conversation
passing glance
fingers reaching into the
purse where i carry my heart
and stealing it away

the biggest patron
and the biggest thief
for one person to have that power
is frightening
ability to change my moods
however unintentionally or slight

to know joy
and pain
simultaneously;
sometimes i wish
my patron and my thief
would deal me neither

music ADD

you turn me into somebody loved
how i wish that were true
but sometimes i feel like a
wallflower, i'm not here, no one sees me
even though i know i can't be seen
i'll keep running ahead of the race, to hope i put a sparkle in your eye
everyday wishing waiting
If only you could see me now
wondering where all the brave ones are
what it's like to feel because
All for love we become, Larger than lifesize, wondersome, Great in the eyes of someone
but can't move on or even move
because
You're the traffic in my head, You're the reason why i'm wrecked
and if i died tomorrow
i want you to know
All I have, All I have, All I have, is yours, And you watch my heart break a little bit more

nothing worse

we once laughed at an old joke
i held onto the memory
by a thread of the thought
we once shared

time passes and people move on
the old joke brings a slight
smile
but not the same response

i know time has passed
you forget what we once shared
though i still hang onto
the memory by a thread

nothing worse
than the rug of our memories
falling apart into threads and strands
until i'm left holding onto one end
of the string that bound us together

death of the joke
and we forget
as the paths of our memories diverge
you traveling far beyond the scope
of where i can go
and i'm left holding onto
the strings of what we once shared

Moonsponge

i am the moon orbiting around you
the sponge soaking up the air
yet always invisible
in your eyeline

i don't want to be here
don't want to be trapped
unable to pull away from your
gravity

knowing that you hardly ever see me
in the way i want you to
knowing i can never be
all i could be for you

trapped!
in this limbo
of pulling away
and being drawn back

i know i'm not for you
understand i don't want to feel like this
i don't want you to make me smile
because that only wrings out the air
in the moonsponge
orbiting in circles

Rip

on opposite sides of the world
in the same room
every moment not spent thinking of you
is a moment saved
for the rest of my life

knowing barely nothing good can come
out of this half-desired, half-despised
feeling
trying to quit like a smoker
but the nicotine patches don't work like they should
when you reappear

the sheet of paper in your hands
used, yet clean
necessary, yet disposable
how important is that sheet in your life
tell me please

when the corners bend
or the surface is wrinkled
i'm resilient, silent, patient
waiting to see
if and
when
the sheet in your hands


rips